The Wedding Dress:

So yesterday I went dress shopping. It was the single most stressful event surprisingly. Not because the people I took made it stressful. In fact, they were a great crowd, very anti- "say yes to the dress" if you know what I mean. Instead they were kind and loving but I still left extremely disappointed. Dress shopping opened the door to an extreme amount of insecurity in me. I realized that the dresses I loved were overly simple. Meaning, so simple, I would look underdressed for my own affair. Why you might ask? Because that's all I'm comfortable in. I tried on one dress that everyone loved, and I, well, didn't hate but didn't love either. It was a princess type of gown, a-line. While I loved the embellishments, the fit was so not me.

I left that day with a better idea in mind at what I wanted, and a very stark contrast to what God expected. Do I say this to mean that God expects me to be more outlandish? No. But He's been really stretching me with this wedding. This thing is extravagant! As something that is expressing God's love should rightfully be, but its more than I can imagine, and even worse, feel I deserve. I trust God to bring His vision to pass, but honestly, I just feel like a small town girl and that a small town wedding is all I deserve. I've never pictured myself in white, because that was reserved for true virgins in my mind, which reveals my lack of belief that I have really been purified in the blood of Christ. Somewhere in the back on my mind that thought doesn't override what I've always believed. My dad took one look at that dress and said I looked like a princess, and unlike the other dresses, I didn't just blend in with everyone else. He said it looked like it was my day, and I was the bride. My mom almost cried, my sister wouldn't let the train go (she's my maid of honor) and then promptly told me nothing else would look as good as that one. But how do I pick out a dress that screams "its all about me!" when I've centered not only this wedding but my life around Christ being glorified, and serving His people. I mean, I picked out my bridesmaid dresses first, and discovered that the wedding dresses I liked the most put me as just another person on that day.

I left so disappointed with myself for not liking the dress everyone loved, and moreso I think because it donned on me that I don't feel I deserve it. I don't want to be a princess I want to be me, the same ole Brittany, who puts everyone else before herself, and Christ first, no matter what the cost. But where is the balance? I am so conflicted and perplexed on the inside that I honestly don't know how to express it all. What do you mean it's what I want? Huh? Smch…clearly not, because God is trying to elevate me to a level I don't feel I deserve, or ought to accept. It's almost like I don't know how to operate like this. So, to pick a wedding dress is almost like to pick an identity where I get to say, its ok to not be mediocre and settle, and that God desires to bless me with more (even if I don't deserve it). I'm stuck in the mentality, who am I to be chosen to be loved like this? What does this mean to me?

So, the search continues for not only my dress, but for who God really wants me to be? Can I say like Ruth and do what Esther was anointed to do, just because I'm comfortable that way? Or is it time for my period of purification for a lifestyle elevation, just because it's God's plan to bless me to be a blessing? Can I accept it and get there? Only more time with the Father will tell.